a new kind of danger

Analyization: a form of terrorism.

picking away at the truest of trues,

the reddest of reds.

Until what is left but a vessel.

And what once filled this body?

those beautiful emotions?

Well those have been picked, pruned, and fertilized until nothing is left on my apple tree but a few bug bitten leaves and just when i think its all for the better, that i soon will forget the bittersweet flavor of an unripen apple,

a baby green one sprouts.

And immediately thousands of people are rushed to the scene to prude and destroy this little apple until it is no more.

Because what is an emotion until it is spoken?

What is a feeling until it is shared?

what i see:

now, looking in the mirror is a completely different experience.

i no longer look for signs of improvement of disappointment.

no blemish counting or makeup checking.

instead i stare blankly at an unattractive being that used to be me.

i look to this utter emptiness. this whole lack of faith, spirit and soul and i wonder where that girl went.

i wonder if anything is to ever become of me.

i wonder if i can ever appreciate myself like i once had.

i wonder if i again will ever be called pretty.

pray.

have i been scared into religion?

subconsciously forced into something i consciously do not trust nor believe...

have i hid from all reason and science?

Have i tried to explain something I should not?

One dream told me if i refuse to belive,

i will be punished.

Well i am being punished now, and if god is real he will send me a sign, of hope.

without that sign.

without the knowlege that someone cares for me.

i cannot continue this journey,

one this wrong path.

but i will keep searching for the right on.

Because as dead as i feel on the inside.

I know there is more.

are you there god its me.

please god, let me be free.

notebook.

I am doing homeschool now,

falling away from what little i was before.

I take laxadives everyday,

for what little food i can force into my body.

This vessel is so vulnerable,

just waiting to be broken down again.

I often cannot breathe.

I often cannot think.

My humble body walks around wishing for a purpose.

Endlessly for a reason to my exsistance.

brittle bones, break.

away

in this place i suffer.

i wake up mornings dead inside. 

in this place i suffocate, 

cannot mask, i cannot hide. 

its time i got up and left, 

its time i let the world see. 

its time i got away from this, 

its time i become me. 

tragedy with great timing.

today is a day to laugh,

to look life in the eyes and make a jest about how everyone is a joke. 

today is a day where i look at the world and make fun of its foolishness. 

today is a day where i feel beautiful after counting my pimples and not fitting into small jeans. today is a day where i feel like i could eat the world and never gain a pound. 

today is a day where i could go out and be whatever i want and no one would question me. 

today is a day i have moved on from all of your bull shit. 

today is a day to write stories to sing tunes, and to be heard. 

today is a day to be alive. 

swings

Speak.

I cannot hear you. 

Write. 

There are no words.

Sing. 

There is no music. 

Dance. 

There are no steps. 

Leave. 

I cannot walk. 

Climb. 

I have no hands. 

Try. 

I have no ambition. 

There is no reason, 

without love. 

italy

i never thought i could love anyone but myself. Now i know I can't love anyone else, but you. But you make me think maybe i wont die alone. 

september 16th, 2009

It was just last night i awoke from dreams of you. 

haunting dreams where you wouldn't sepak to me. 

wher you would just look away disappointed. 

It was just yesterday, i went to school dreading the feeling i would get when i had to see you. 

it was just today, you told me you love me. 

its just now, im scared you lied. 

i just want you to know, you belong with me. 

september 13th, 2009

another night lying in my bed wishing you never had to leave. 

whispering words no one else had ever heard. 

knowing we were best friends, 

but wishing for more. 

we talked, you held me. 

you told me you wished you could stay,

so do. 

you didn't even want to think about her, 

so dont. 

that night i woke up three times,

forgeting you have left. 

when i remembered, it stung.

and then  i smiled. 

you left me bruised. 

i woke up hurting. 

i loved it. 

"got pink and black and blue for you" 

fuck it.

city and colour

if you were to leave, and fulfill someone elses dream. 

i think i might totally be lost. 

i wish i could do better by you, 

cause thats what you deserve.

and when you cry,  

a piece of my whole dies, 

knowing that i may have been the cause. 

please know that im yours to keep,

my beautiful girl. 

sleepless

close to midnight, sleep is out of the question. heart racing, even though it is over. your decision is clear, but my feelings are adamant. every time i look up, i feel abased. tortured, teased, humiliated, empty. i pour my heart out to you, you elicit no response. or at least not the response im reaching for. 

broken hearted i try and deter myself from running directly back. but everyone knows, it is impossible to abate love. 

(idk if abate works there.. but the meaning is understood no doubt) 

trophy

drown me. suffocate  me. freeze me. kill me. 

just tell me the truth. 

because i dont believe you, when you say i mean nothing. 

when you say you only sort of care. 

when you look for someone to fill my place, and you know in your heart i mean so much more.

why cant you just look me in the face and say it. i know you mean it. i know you were dying with out me. i know im your lifeline. i know that i want to sit in your arms and cry. and i want you to hear me. and i want you to love me.  and i want you around. and i only cry because of you. 

and i know you feel the same. you must. 

if we werent in love, if this wasn't supposed to be, then why cant we stop? 

sabrina

ill always think of you that way.

 

billie.

my heart is reaching. wishing. dreaming. i feel so lonely. i want to feel like a classic. i want to sit in a small cafe, the park across the way. the snow falling. looking into your eyes. i want to be held. i want to cry in someones arms. i want to be alive

tired

im so tired of this.

im so tired of self pity.

im so tired of feeling unwanted.

im so tired of wanting you.

im so tired of loosing.

im so tired of lies.

im so tired of having no friends.

im so tired of missing out.

im so tired of breathing.

im so tired of myself.

im so tired of crying.

im so tired of stinging.

im so tired of having my heart broken.

Still alone

from lipstick thats rose,

to perfectly painted toes.

from celary sticks,

to reading about sucking dicks.

from black tinted lashes,

to rather being ashes.

from running the streets,

to never eating treats.

i try, but im still alone

let me be.

i cant stop. im obsessed. 

every thing about you, no matter how much i try to erase you from my memory.

your still there. your so prominent in my life, i wouldn't know what do to do without you. 

i keep running back, time and time again. 

and when im not with you, i think of you, i write about you, i dream about you. 

i sometimes wish i had never met you. but what i really wish, is that i had never hated you.

that you had never hated me. 

that we had always wanted to each other. 

playback on the atrack

so here i am again. 

as lonley as before, but now i feel like a whore.

ten times in a week. 

thats ten times too many. 

im still hurt.

im still lonely. 

and no amount of fake love

can ever fill this emptiness that contains me. 

no amount of me over her,

no matter how many times u look at me. 

look at me like u want me.

this accumulating artificial empathy from others is like a chemical,

gets the job done, but ruins everything in its path.

and in this case, the path is me.

i am ruined.

again.

Remember me

in an effort to not disdain,

i look again. 

nothing but a girl,

i look again. 

no one except me, 

i look agian.

nothing left to be, 

i look again. 

i will remember me,

look again. 

and with that she,

Do you believe in love she asked? her words full of spite.

Do you believe in me he asked, wanting to hold her tight.

She knew she loved him, and tho she tried,

there was nothing she could do, no where to hide. 

She spoke out clear she spoke out frank. 

i do not love you, not anymore. 

i cannot see you as you were. 

Although all she said was false,

she broke his heart before a pulse. 

and even tho she was the one to stab,

her heart was the one on the slab. 

the amorous plague

the disease fatal to ones mentality.

appertaining souly to the human race.

slowly devouring each individual. 

look around,

see the immense affects. 

The many braggarts whom have been subject to the ever-growing epidemic,

flaunt their vibrant passion in a garish matter.

never realizing how their actions pluck away at the others.

never realizing the indescribable feeling of jealous, heartbreak, and hunger.

thus is the feeling of a person out of touch with

love.

해

j'aime tu?

est-que tu aimes moi?

six months

six months later.

high and low. 

on top of the world. 

and a progressing suicidal. 

u changed me completely. 

now u wont ever again.

now i cant care. 

now i wont.

happy birthday, 

thanks for ruining my life. 

cheryl

all i need is a bitter song.

to make me better.

much better. 

dr. says

can you die of a broken heart?

psycho

i feel like im a chore.

like you have to talk to me.

like you have to love me.

you dont want to 

but its your job. 

i thought we got over this. 

i was over u and u came back.

ruined my chance with someone who would have been better to me. 

im trying so hard to not do that stuff that made you so mad.

i dont understand whats going on.

why are u talking shit about me to my best-friend?

why are you such a little bitch. 

why would u tell her that im a bitch.

FUCK YOU. 

even if i am a little psycho about this, 

dont i deserve to be?

another day another road.

choices. 

everyday a new one.

there is no right or wrong, just what we make of each.

dealing with the people around us,

maturely or

not.

dealing with our own fait

maturely or

not.

dealing with you?

not.

you gonna bring urself down.

i hope if i die she feels sorry for making it hard for me to love people, 

making it hard to love myself

dumb.

i am convinced that i screw everything up for myself. 

im so undeceive, picky when i shouldn't be. 

i hate picking. 

i wish i was gorgeous so i could have anyone

or really ugly so i could have no one. 

so either way everyone would go with my decision.

shit,

i dont want this.

 

i hate my life

even when its going good.
i could be sad, i feel i should.
there is no reason wrong or right.
i just cant seem to sleep at night.

i wake up mornings and try to say,
today will be a better day.
but once i hear my music play
my hopes and dreams drain away.

stress attacks happen weekly.
my own mind is sort of freaking.
drawing fires, death and tears.
feeling every worry and fears.

i know i should get over it.
thinking happy, i try to quit.
i want to scream, want to shout.
just want to let my feelings out.

and i dont really give a fuckk.

sat alone.

no one talked to me. 

want my best friend.

want to not feel

unloved.

unevolved. 

hoe?

am i?

how do i know?

why don't i have firends?

i feel like im a good person.

why would u make fun of me?

why am i not good enough for you? 

the funny thing is, sometimes i think u have it backwards

i think im the good one

im the one who gets it

and i dont care taht u dont like me

i dont really give a fuck.

turn around. jump around.

woah, what happend?

life completely took a turn.

one day im crying on my bed.

and the next like a miracle im on my feet, slowly forgetting about u.

but as soon as i do.

u want me.

but im over it.

theres a new man, 

everything ur not he is.

i cant even tell how i feel anymore,

or what i want.

who i like or who i dont.

all i know is 

u have the worst mother fucking timing... ever. 

fucked up

im fucked up because i love you. and i shouldn't. 

Time

ever moving, ever changing.

undecided, undefined. 

a image in our mind.

but is it real?

What defines it?

what rules it?

the sun? the sea? the sky?

how can it be measured? 

by needles? by sunsets? by seasons?

by people? by clothes? by speeches?

Where is time?

In the air? in the universe?

no. time is in our minds. 

and we are the essence of time

where to begin.

broken. toyed. played. destroyed.

lifeless. feeling as though i exist for no reason. its disgusting. 

not understanding where to begin. 

i thought u loved me. 

thought u cared

cant do anything but hurt. 

i try, oh god i try. 

and i try not to be so grim.

you would look at me and think theres a happy girl.

and you would be wrong.

cause boy, im far from happy.

im tired, cold.

and its your fault.

and u knew, u knew i loved you.

and u picked her